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A Diamond & My Devil Dog

Issue Date: Friday, Aug. 01, 2003

I have had my hotmail account for what seems like decades. I want to keep it for sentimental reasons and also because I have some really cool coupons linked to that account.

However, I am sick (and tired!) of the spam*.

I do not want to purchase a Russian bride.

I do not want to view “The Most Jizz In One Place!”.

I do not want to enlarge my penis.

I do not want my own free XXX account to view hot, wet sorority sluts.

I do not want to click here to see the cast of Friends naked.

I do not want to consolidate my bills with someone named Fred.

I do not want to join a business venture with some Nigerian house frau who needs my account number to my bank account to “retrieve” the funds her poor, departed husband left in the United States.

I do want to be able to look at the truly tasteless jokes and retarded crap my friends send me without having to delete 27 emails before I come upon (no pun intended to the smut emails listed above, thank you) an email address that looks even slightly familiar.

*That one little word SO elicits the urge in me to completely reenact that nugget of Monty Python goodness called the Spam skit. Spam Spam Spam Spam….


I have some exciting news.

Mister and I are going to a marriage seminar this weekend. The tag line for the seminar is, “If you are getting married in 3 months or have been married for 30 years, you’ll get solutions you can use!” He sent the link to me earlier in the week and it seems like something that can guide us a little bit in how to help us with the foundation of our marriage.

Yep, we’re getting married. As a matter of fact, we went yesterday to look at more rings. We went to this little store called the Diamond Broker. Mister had visited this store alone and wanted me to meet the proprietor. He also wanted me to look at a ring that he liked.

The man has amazing taste ya’ll. I didn’t fall in love with the ring though. So we asked to see some loose stones.

Loose stones…

Stone: Hey Baby… wanna date?
Me: Um…
Stone: I gots whatchoo need!
Me: No thanks, I’m good.
Stone: I’m famous baby! Fayyyyyyyymmmuuuuuuuuuuuzzz!
Me: Famous? Huh?
Stone: I was featured in an All Anus Slut Orgy Party. You may have received an email about it.
Me: That was you? … gross.
Stone: Don’t be hatin! By the way, I am from Nigeria and my poor departed pimp left some funds…
Me: [runs away] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Annnnnnnyway.

Al, the proprietor, pulled out some stones that were not mounted and I fell in LOVE. Love I say! I fell in love with a beautiful oval shaped diamond. Mister and I have been to many places to look at rings and stones. We have tried the large chains, we have tried the small chains. We have been to malls. We have inquired at pawnshops. No stone has ever touched me [Shut up, I told you it was a loose stone.] the way this stone did. The brilliance, the shape, the color. A D for goodness sakes! It’s a D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For those of you who want to know about diamond color, cut, clarity and carats please click here. The link will take you directly to color. For those of you who couldn’t care less, D color is the best, colorless, white, gorgeous!

I am so excited.

I even bought his wedding ring. It is so pretty, so manly. So perfect and simple.

I tried to call my parental units to tell them about the exciting news. They were golfing or doing something fabulous and fun that retired people do so I left a message, all stammering. My sister called later and I told her. She was excited for me.

She called this morning all squealing…….. still.

Love that about having a sister. J

Wish me luck at the marriage seminar!

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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.


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