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Karmic Boomerang

Issue Date: Monday, Nov. 10, 2003

Where shall I begin?

Yes, yes, yes… it has been almost a month since my last pathetic entry. But since I am doing this for my one loyal reader [me]… then that’s no biggie right?

I do believe the gods hath smote my fate. Or in other words, this must be one hell of a karma boomerang in the process.

Who did I piss off?

Did I pray for patience? Nah. I know better.

Let me catch you up to speed oh, loyal reader. [Me: Why, thank you kind and brilliant storyteller.] You’re welcome.

After my last post, October 13th, which included everything from conjunctivitis, sinusitis, upper respiratory infection, appendicitis, an appendectomy, moving, a wedding, a honeymoon and a bunch of other tidbits (i.e. one of my girlfriends becoming a porn princess) several things have happened.

I won’t bore you with a time line. I will try to make this as clear and entertaining as possible without all the tangents. Well, maybe one little tangent.

Monday the 13th of October was a normal business day. Hand boss was out of town at the Board Meeting in Palm Springs, CA. Co-worker C and I were working on our various projects, same for the 14th. The 15th rolled around and hand boss came back into the office.

Side note: For all of you Grammar Nazis, the tense is going to be messed up just like all of my other entries when I try to tell a story. Just deal ok?

So, I waltz into the office on the 15th at 8 am and… why was I waltzing? Just because that’s the kind of gal I am. Anyway, we all get caught up on how the board meeting went and then hand boss asks to see me in his office. Co-worker C announces that she is going to get another donut. I knew something was up, but I never expected him to say…

“Suzanna, at the board meeting the Finance Committee decided to do some budget cuts to save the Association. They cut X thousand dollars, and because of that I am going to have to let you go.”

I just sat there. Then I managed a meek, “wow.”

“I know. It is quite a shock. I don’t know what we are going to do without you. I hate to have to do this and I want you to know it is definitely nothing personal.”

“When is this affective?”

“Immediately. I will give you two weeks severance and your commissions you have coming to you from the Fall issue of the magazine. You will have insurance coverage probably through the middle of November, definitely through the rest of October. Of course I will write you a recommendation letter if you need one.”

“Yes, I would like a reference letter, thank you.”

We then proceeded out to my desk and he stood over me while I cleaned out my stuff. I felt like a common criminal. Well, not too common, I had on cute shoes.

Co-worker C was visibly upset. She helped me carry my stuff to my car and told me that she would copy all of my personal files onto disks and I could pick them up when I picked up my last check.

I left the office by a quarter after 9 o’clock a.m. and filled out my first application for employment by 10:45 a.m.

Unemployed.

Mister was still at home when I got there. He was still recovering from his appendectomy and was off all week. I walked in and he was very surprised to see me. We talked for a minute then he said, “Baby? What are you doing at home? Do you feel ok?” I told him that I felt fine but I had just been laid off.

We snuggled and he consoled me.

I spent the rest of the week nursing Mister back to health.

That next Monday I hit the job search hard. I had already alerted all of my networking people that I was available and I sent out my resume all over town, but Monday was the first hit at HotJobs.com. I applied for everything. I went to Monster.com and read every listing in the Dallas Morning News.

I had forgotten how hard a job search could be.

I went back to the office to pick up my last check that week. With the check was a letter of termination. Terminated? I wasn’t terminated. I was laid off dagnabit. Hand boss also mentioned (in the letter) that my insurance coverage was terminated the same day I was laid off.

Wait just a second. Didn’t I remember him telling me that I would be covered through mid-November? At least through the end of October? Yes, I think I did. Rat bastard.

This little tid bit sent Mister and I into a frenzy trying to find affordable AaaaHahhahahahahahaha ha ha ha… um, sorry… affordable insurance to cover me during my (what we pray to be brief) unemployment. It also had the wrong date that I was laid off. This was problematic because it affected how much money we were going to have to pay for my health insurance coverage.

I spent several days trying to get a letter from hand boss with the correct date, and the word terminated removed and ‘laid off’ put in it’s place. We finally got one from him, but it took a frillion calls from me and a call from Mister to get it to happen. Sheesh.

In regards to the lay off, I know that this happened for a reason. I do. I know that I am happy not driving [basically] to Fort Worth on a daily basis. I know that I am happier not working for hand boss. I do, however, miss Co-worker C. She and I still keep in touch fairly often. As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with her.

I received in the mail, Saturday, the famed ‘letter of recommendation’ from hand boss. That dick. It is almost a month after he let me go. And all it says is:

To Whom It May Concern: Suzanna Danna has served the Association since X date as Director of Publications and Meetings. She left the Association October 14, 2003 because of economic conditions within the organization. Suzanna served the association with distinction and her services will be missed. If you have any questions about her service, I can be reached at the number on this stationery.
Sincerely, Incompetent Wiener”

I added the incompetent wiener part because, 1) he IS a wiener, 2) he let me go on the 15th, not the 14th, and my favorite 3) could he be anymore vague?!?!?!? JesusGod.

I should show you guys his picture. It has ‘weasel’ written all over it… I mean ALLLL over it. Permanent marker even. Sharpieeeeeeeeee! Extrafinepoint! <---That was for you Trix.

Ok, so I’m unemployed. Yeah. But ya know what? I’m not doing it alone. Mister is so great ya’ll. I got a job offer from a technical recruiting company that needed someone to do testing, data entry and a bunch of other clerical like thingies. To the company’s credit, the guy who offered me the job told me that I was WAY over qualified and that it would probably be a step back, but that he would really like to work with me. That was cool. But Mister is so much cooler. He told me that my time was worth a hell of a lot more than an hourly job. He actually said, “Baby, I know that you want to be employed, but don’t just jump at the offer because it is the first one. Hell, I would pay you twice as much as they are offering you just to have you home with me. Your time is worth so much more.”

How friggin awesome is that?

So, here I am, almost a month into my unemployment and I’m not freaking out as much as I thought I would be.

Ahh, but it hasn’t all been cute June Cleaver moments and making homemade breads. Most of it… yeah, but not all.

Last Friday I went to the mall to return some pants for Mister. We found two new pair of pants in the move and he said he wouldn’t ever wear them. They were 32 inseam. On what planet does a 6’5” man wear 32 inseam? Planet TORSO!

Ok, so… I was at the mall exchanging Mister’s short ass pants for something more suitable when I realized that my vision wasn’t up to par. I figured I was just hot or something, because I had broken out into a cold sweat for the cashier. He thought I was hot too. Mmmm sexy, sweaty, fat girl. The temp outside was hovering around the low 50’s so it wasn’t the sweltering heat. I decided that I just needed to put on my glasses to drive.

I walked outside into the drizzling rain, the cold wind lifting the sweat matted hair from my brow and I got into my car. I realized that I couldn’t see out the left side of my left eye. Hmmm curious. I thought it was just my glasses frame blocking my vision, so at a stoplight I took off my glasses. [read: Why the hell was I even driving at this point? I dunno.] I covered my right eye with my right hand and took my left hand and put it out by my left ear. I couldn’t see it. Oh good Lord. I couldn’t even see it until it was almost in front of my face.

I freaked out.

I called Mister’s office phone, no answer.

I called my sister, no answer.

I called my Momma.

“Momma?”
“Hey Sue!”
“Um, Momma? What happened earlier this year when Reb’s [my sister] vision got blurry and then cleared up?”
“I don’t remember that, why?”
“Oh, well, ok. I’ll keep trying to get in touch with her.”
“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
“I don’t really know. I just lost the peripheral vision in my left eye. I need to call Mister. I’ll keep you posted. Love you.”
“Wait. Sue? Have you eaten lunch yet? You know hypoglycemia can affect your vision.”
[sigh of relief] “As a matter of fact I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Ok Momma, I’ll go have lunch and call you later. Love you.”
“Love you! Bye!”

I tried to call Mister again.

“Mister?”
“Hey baby, how is your day going?”
“Well, I returned your pants and got you some great prizes. Can’t wait to show you. Hey baby?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorta freakin my shit here. But don’t freak out yourself. I just lost the peripheral vision in my left eye.”
“What?! Ok, where are you? Are you at home? No? Ok, just go home and stay there, I am coming home right now.”
“Well, Reb lost vision in her eye over the summer and the doctor just said to wait and see if it happened again. She’s ok. And Momma thinks it is because of my hypoglycemia and I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”
“Fine baby, you get home, Stay There and get some lunch. I will be there in a few minutes. I need to go now so I can get out of here. Stay at Home when you get there. Promise me.”
“Ok, I promise. Love you.”
“I love you too baby, bye”

So I got home and stayed put. I made myself a big honkin salad with romaine lettuce, that fake crabmeat, pine nuts and some walnut raspberry vinaigrette. Mmmmmmm I snorffed that down and though I may need a bit more protein to boost my blood sugar, so I had a piece of string cheese.

By the time Mister got home I had a raging headache. He walked in, pulled up some information on the Internet and asked me to sit down on the bed. He looked in each eye with a flashlight to make sure my pupils were dilating correctly and pushed on my forehead to check for sinus headache. That didn’t feel too good. My pupils checked out and Mister said, “Ok, I’ve already called our GP and he asked me to take you to the emergency room. Let’s go”

I started to get scared.

My vision had returned to normal, the headache was raging and all I could think of was Ahhhnold saying, “It’s naaaaaht a toooomah.”

I did not want to be sick.

Mister packed me into the car and off we went.

He dropped me off at the Emergency Room door and went to park the car because it was raining. In the time it took Mister to park the car and walk back to where I was waiting, I hurled all over the Emergency Room entrance several times.

Mmmm pretty.

Thankfully I had my huge purse with me. Inside that huge purse was one of those shiny 11 x 14 envelopes that supposedly protect your mail from rain, snow or the dead of night. It was into this receptacle that tried to force my projectile hurlage to go. No such luck.

We went into the ER and they called me almost immediately into the triage room, they took my stats and asked me what was going on. I told them and they took me back to a room. They hooked me up to some sort of flux capacitator and drew some blood. The ER doctor came in and asked me the same questions, I told him what happened, he checked my pupils and all that then told me that they were gonna send me for a CAT scan.

I was so scared.

They gave me some pain medication, something for the nausea and then the miracle drug of Imitrex. That rocked. I felt better after a while.

I went for the CAT scan and several hours later the neurologist came in after he looked over my test results. He was very nice and explained everything. Apparently I do not have a tumor the size of Rhode Island in my head. I am not dying. I am not in danger of my head exploding and my eyes are fine. I had migraine with aura. That’s it.

That’s all.

Whew.

Saturday afternoon my mother, my sister and I all had to attend the girliest thing I have ever been to. My best girlfriend from High school / college is getting married and to thank those who have done stuff for Stephanie’s wedding, the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom held a tea party.

No, I’m not kidding.

It was held in the Lady Primrose Attic at the Crescent Hotel in Dallas. That place is so feminine that I walked in and felt myself ovulate immediately. It was nice though. I’ve never had scones and clotted cream.

I’ll keep you guys posted on the drama as it unfurls.

Heh. Save the drama fo’ yo’ Mamma!

Until next time….

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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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