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‘Okay, you are going to feel a little pressure.’

Issue Date: Wednesday, Apr. 11, 2007

I went in for my test yesterday.

I had to be there at 1:00, the test was at 1:30 and at 3 p.m. a lady (nurse, whatever) came to get me. “Um, yeah, our women’s radiology department has moved across the street, I will walk you over.”

After I arrived across the street and got thoroughly lost in the bowels of the medical center, three more procedure forms and an hours’ worth of who Anna Nicole’s baby daddy is on CNN and I was taken into the room with the fluoroscope.

Yay for efficiency!

The tech went over all eleven pages of paperwork with me. I stripped from the waist down, put on one of those ever so popular open in the back cotton gowns and went out to wait for the female radiologist.

They asked me to hop up onto this thing that looked like the quickest luggage carousel at any baggage claim, ever and I did so. I sat there swinging my legs waiting for the female radiologist.

She finally came in, asked me to lay down on my back, bend my knees, open my legs and scoot my bottom down towards her. Trust me guys. It is not nearly as sexy as I have described here. I know y’all are all “Bow Ditcha Bow Bowwww!” I am I? Am all, “No.”

So I did as she asked and then she uttered the infamous phrase that will make women everywhere suck air through their teeth with their eyebrows drawn together, “Okay, you’re going to feel a little pressure.”

I think that is the first thing that they teach Urologists, Obstetricians, Gynecologists, Female Radiologist Reproduction Specialists and every person that is ever going to come at you with a speculum (hot or cold, metal or plastic). “Okay… Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Your most important job will be to relax your patients, feel for them, sympathize with them. We do this with the help of one phrase known the world over in one hundred and thirty-three languages. Write this at the top of your legal pad and practice saying it hundreds of times a day. Ready? ‘Okay, you are going to feel a little pressure.’ Everyone got that down?”

So yeah, pressure was felt and I asked for my glasses so I could watch the fluoroscope. Y’all. I would go through that all again just to watch the drama taking place inside my princess. She was on TV y’all. She was a star.

They put a catheter in my cervix (Whee.) and then pumped up a little balloon to make sure it didn’t come out. (Nice. Yeah, pressure was felt.) And then they injected this clear dye stuff that showed up as black on the fluoroscope into my uterus and deflated the little balloon.

It was so fast. The fluid filled up my uterus then practically FLEW out to the right and the left and out each tube.

The radiologist lady was like, “So, you say you had a tubal pregnancy in 1997, in your right tube right?” “Yes ma’am.” “Well, it looks like the doctor did a great job of putting your tube back together.” “Yes ma’am, it certainly does.”

She asked me to roll to the right, I rolled up on my right hip, keeping my eyes on the screen. The fluid rocketed out of my right tube. Then she asked me to roll up onto my left side, the fluid shot out of that one like it was a slip and (fucking) slide.

I muttered, “Shit.” And she goes, “Are you okay ma’am?” I lied and said, “Just feeling a little pressure.”

So, yeah… if my tubes were any more open… salmon would be navigating my open waters to make it back to their spawning grounds. Fuckers.

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