Princess of Irony

Beer has nothing in it like meat!! Right?? Ha!!.... Huh?

Issue Date: Wednesday, Mar. 21, 2007

Well, shit.

I went and told my father about my cholesterol issues the other afternoon (Monday) when I was on the way back to the office from the (hot) doctor�s appointment. I should have known better. I wanted to laugh it off with him and just let them know so they wouldn�t be all, �Susan, darling, why are you not eating the ham?� when Mister and I go over there for Easter the weekend after next.

Don�t know if I have ever let this little secret slip but my mother has been in straight panic mode since I gained weight back in 1995. Let it go momma, that ship has sailed. I will never again be a size 8 (or 12, or even and 18). She has always been very conscious of her weight� annnnnnd everyone else�s. As I have mentioned before, she is about the size of a small parrot, and might weigh as much if said parrot has been weighted down with, oh� say, a balloon or a ball point pen.

She would totally DIE if she had any inkling that y�all knew my actual weight.

And a few years ago she told Mister and I that if we didn�t lose any weight we would end up in scooters by the time we were forty.

Ah HA! Mister just turned forty in February and he is in full non-Rascal mode. I have a few years left to hit my benchmark� but I think I may miss that one by a bit, seeing as how I am fully able to run, jump, walk, dance my fool head of AND get my freak on� I think I am safe for the time being.

It is not like fucking Dr. Phil has to knock down a wall to get me out of my house when I go to work ever morning� for God�s sake.

So I got this email from her a few minutes ago.

Hi Sue:
I am worried about you!! That is scary to have your triglycerides that high!! Please do stay on the vegetarian diet for the time he said and try walking everyday when you get home. It doesn�t take long and really does help. You are heading down the road toward diabetes and please do try to keep yourself healthy!! You are only 34 and too young to be having so many health problems. I hope your sweet doctor can get you straightened out!!
Well, you will have fun this week-end and lucky, beer has nothing in it like meat!! Right?? Ha!! I know y�all will have such fun!!
Talk to you soon.
And love you a whole bunch!! MOM

This is her original email. Cut and pasted for your review. I didn�t touch formatting, spelling, punctuation or the complete and utter humiliation that settled upon me when I finished reading it.

Awesome.

She has felt that it was her duty to comment on my weight or dance around the topic to say anything and everything she could without actually saying, �Oh goodness. You are just so fat and I am embarrassed that you are my daughter.�

My favorite was, �But, you just have so much potential!� Potential to be thin you mean? Thin and miserable like I was back in elementary school/middle school/high school/college?

I told her a few years ago that I was relieving her of that responsibility that she felt that she had in regards to my weight. That I was a grown* woman (*no �overgrown� remarks, please) and that she did not have to talk to me about diabetes, heart health, exercise, the newest fad diets, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem or the size of my ass.

She hasn�t mentioned much in the past few years. I was so pissed about the scooter remark that when I finally got enough balls to �relieve her of that responsibility� I was so calm that I am pretty sure it freaked her out.

Hi. You may not get this, but I am perfectly aware of my size. I am perfectly aware that I gained weight (rapidly, oh, so very rapidly) back from November of 1995 to April of 1995 (60 pounds in 5 months� shut up� and close your mouth� seriously. No, I am not kidding� really, close your mouth.) for one or more of the following reasons � we�ll let you guys guess� but keep it to yourselves, alright?
1) Change in diet (ie� eating red meat as a staple for the first time)
2) Change in activity (ie� from being very active to very sedentary)
3) Change in hormones (ie� NoroPlant birth control)
4) Change in hormones (ie� tumor on my pituitary gland)
5) Change in attitude (ie� wanting to hide and a nice layer of fat being the easiest route to take)
6) Change in latitude (ie� major lifestyle change that did not suit me)

It can be one, a mix or all of the above.

The one thing that will NEVER convince someone to lose weight is if they are doing it for the wrong reasons. Also known as � for a reason other than they have decided it was time. Or� AKA, You. If a girl loses weight for a guy, she will most likely gain it back (and then some) in the near future. If a person loses weight because they are trying to look better in the clothes that they optimistically bought two sizes too small. They will probably never wear those clothes, and most likely gain a few pounds guilt eating because they spent money on clothes that they shouldn�t have. And the A#1 reason that people (and I totally mean me) will not lose weight is by having a mother hound them into a sobbing mess.

�Oh honey, you used to be so pretty.�

I have the same face� it is just rounder, the same legs, they are just thicker, the same ass, it is thicker too� and the same eyes, nose, mouth, non-eyebrows. Does a layer of fat disgust you so much that you feel it is your duty to remind people in a picture to stand up straight (also known as �Suck it IN!�) before the shutter clicks?

When I was little� and I mean LITTLE, not young� I never got the �diabetes� talk. Even though people in my family were dropping like flies because of diabetes and heart disease. I know I am at risk. I KNOW. Lord, give it a rest, please. I also know that high cholesterol is partly hereditary just like eye color. My daddy has high cholesterol� my mother? High blood pressure. So, you don�t think I know I am at risk for these things?

I just got the blood pressure under control. (By not talking to my mother� I kid. Sort of. Well, that, and anti-anxiety meds.) I can go off the blood pressure meds if I want. My (hot) doctor is pleased as punch. This? Is just something new to work on. But people (and I totally mean me) will not lose weight, start an exercise regimen or become vegetarians just because their mothers force them to with words that they (I think) totally believe come from love, but are in all honesty bitter sharp little daggers that hurt, regardless of how thick that layer of fat you have or how thick you think your (and again, I totally mean me) skin is.

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