Princess of Irony

The one where I sort of disappoint you.

Issue Date: Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004

I�m a bit worn out. Mister and I have been traveling every weekend this month. Have I already told you guys this? Yes? No? Well, let me catch you up to speed. The first weekend of the month, Mister and I went (along with my sister and her family) to my parent�s house for their collective birthday celebration. Good food, good times, hearty sunburn and back in town just in time to do a few loads of laundry and start the week over with Monday.

The second weekend, Mister and I went to some friend�s (from church) lake house out by Mount Vernon. No clue where that is? Go 30 northeast of Dallas by about 100 miles. There. No wait� a little bit further� there. Yeah, there. Go for a ride out on their boat for an hour or two after a late lunch, find a few (million!) acres of lily pads floating in a serene and almost forgotten part of the lake. Leave their home at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday to make it to a class at 8:30 am and to church on time and � few loads of laundry after lunch, straighten up a bit annnnnd repeat.

This past weekend we went with some other friends (from church too), their three daughters (4, 2 and 6 months), their nephew, their father, a bunch of guns, an ass load of ammo and some hamburger meat out to a cabin north of Stephenville, TX. Ahhhh, the relaxation of a semiautomatic weapons and children� and enough spaghetti to feed the cast of Phantom of the Opera, what?� theater people really love noodles, yo. Mister really had fun, he had a playmate to run around and shoot stuff with and I got to learn about how some women�s nipples crack and bleed when they nurse. So, really, it was great for the whole family.

Really, we have had a great time these past few weekends, the families that have had us over are so gracious and sweet to share their time and families with us, we are blessed to have such fellowship.

That being said.

My snarkiness knows no bounds, really. For that, I apologize. I am just punchy as shit.

I haven�t slept well this whole month. I am anxious. I have flutter tummy, I am not eating well, my skin is dry and itchy (a first), my eyelashes are falling out and I am scared of my own shadow. I have burst into tears no less than 4 separate times since Sunday night. Bless Mister�s heart, he is being a total rock and if it weren�t for him I would be a raving basket case.

Something is coming to the surface in my heart and in my mind and I am dealing the best way I can, but I am not used to being such an emotional wreck.

I am not the type to be afraid, if anything I was always stupid enough to face whatever it was head on, but last night while laying in bed talking I looked out into the hallway and saw the pole that holds up the banister to the staircase. I know that the pole is a pole and not some unnamed man or scary person that is coming to get me, I know that in my mind� or I think I know that� on the surface, but something scared me to the point of burying my head against Mister�s shoulder and weeping like a little bitch while he prayed over me for God to release me from these demons of self doubt (among other things). I couldn�t even go to tinkle afterwards without running past the open bedroom door.

So� yeah, I am really looking forward to this business trip.

I leave for San Antonio tomorrow and don�t get back until late Friday night. I can�t wait to see how well I don�t sleep in a strange bed in a strange city without Mister�s large soothing hands, sweet words and imposing form to guard and protect me from shadow men, or my own mind. This bites.

I�m not looking for calls from any of you loving friends (or sisters) saying, �Awwww sweetie.� Really, I�m not. I�m just journaling this so I can be honest with myself about where I really was (at this point) and how low it got when I crawled out. I don�t want to be here. I don�t like this head/heart-space I am in and I want to crawl out and I will even if it means kicking and screaming the whole way.

I haven�t been this anxious in a long, long time. I am lucky enough that I made a decision a few years ago to not swallow my pain, my anxiety or my remorse. I am dealing with a few things that I haven�t had the pleasure of dealing with consciously though.

Inadequacy.

It is a new feeling. Apparently it has been there for a long time, I just haven�t ever faced it head on. It�s ugly and it won�t go away quietly and I refuse to bury it or shove it under the carpet so it may be battle, but it is one I am willing to fight. I have a wonderful cheerleader on my side, Mister, an amazing coach, God, and a strong heart.

The funny may be a few weeks in coming. Ya�ll just bear with me� kay?

Love and bunches of kisses�

Did I tell you guys that you look really pretty today?

You do you know.

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