Please bookmark the correct page at http://suzannadanna.net/ Princess of Irony

He was already answering to something akin to “Hey Vagina! Come here!”

Issue Date: Tuesday, Nov. 07, 2006

Ya’ll? I just searched my backlog of entries for the word “snatch”. Alarmingly, there were seven entries with that word and even more disturbing? None of them included the story I am about to tell you (under the penalty of disownment).

The story starts back in the early 60’s. My parents had a long and very prim and proper courtship that cumulated with their marriage in July of 1963. They traveled with one another and worked very hard at their marriage. They are still as loving and as spontaneous as those old home movies depict them to be. They still dance in the kitchen, they still snuggle and smooch on one another and they still tell each other how much they appreciate the little things. “Woman, that dinner was wonderful.” “Oh, [daddy’s first name], thank you so much for doing the dishes.”

And then they open mouth kiss for about ten minutes.

Yes, yes… it is all very sweet and kind and awwwwww, and all of that but. BUT. I must tell you that my father loves to tease my mother… mercilessly. As do my husband and brother in law. Well, I do too and my sister is awful about it as well

My mother is so sweet and sometimes trusting and gullible enough that is it almost too easy to get a rise out of her with the smallest of things.

For example, my sister, bother in law, husband and I all went in together and got my parents a 5 cd/dvd player/changer thingy for Christmas a few years ago. My husband and brother in law said that they would set it up for my parents, so they set about working. My parent’s had just gotten a new entertainment center/bookshelf/display cabinet that is huge and absolutely beautiful.

My husband and brother in law wanted to wire it into the surround sound and all of that, ‘so my parents could fully enjoy their dvd experience.’ There were wires and instruction booklets everywhere. My brother in law turned to my mother and said, “Ok, so [mother’s first name] where do you keep your hand saw?” And my husband looked over a booklet for a split second and then added (sotto voce), “And maybe an ax?”

My mother leapt to her little feet and started bustling around, “Oh, boys, no need to install anything, we’ll call a friend who does this sort of thing after the holidays…. No need… no… need.” God forefend that she insult anyone or act the least bit ungracious.

They carried on with her for about ten minutes before she started turning white. My brother in law would say, “(Mother’s first name)… no, no, no… really, we want to take care of this for you. We just need a little hammer…” And Mister, “… and maybe one of those circular saws?”

So, yes, we all love to tease her. But none more so than my father.

After they had been married for almost a year my mother decided that she wanted a pet, so a pet is what she got. She brought home this tiny little white and tortoise shell spotted male cat from a person she found in the newspaper who was giving away free kittens.

She would hold up the precious little kitty and say, “[addressing my father] So, what should we name him? [addressing the cat] What is your name little kitty?” And she went on like this for days waiting for the cat’s true name to reveal itself. Finally one day she asked my father again, “What do you think we should name the cat?” And my father muttered under his breath, “How about Snatch?”

My mother picked up on the muttered words, and not knowing the word to truly be a vernacular form for the female genitalia squealed, “Snatch? Snatch. Oh, it is a perfect name for him!”

So, the cat became Snatch.

My mother was a teacher at a school in downtown Atlanta and she had a friend there by the name of Jane. Jane, loving to tease my mother as well, would ask her in the faculty lunch room, “(mother’s name) why don’t you tell everyone about your new kitten?” So there would be my mother, “I have this new kitty whose name is Snatch, the most beautiful kitten, and so smart too!” And the coaches would be rolling on the floor and then later in the week they would see her walking down the hall and yell out to her, “Hey (mother’s name) how is your snatch?” “Oh, he’s just fine. Thank you for asking.”

My parent’s went one weekend to visit my daddy’s sister, Jean. They brought the cat with them as he was litter box trained and my mother thought he was too young to be left at home alone over a long weekend.

As soon as they got there my aunt bounded down the steps of her house and ran out to greet them. Giving hugs and kisses all around she plucked the kitten from my mother’s arms and said, “And what is your name little fella?” My mother said, “Snatch.” And beamed. My aunt, well familiar with my father and his ways, bellowed my father’s name, “Ferdinand Humphrey!?!?* I know you did NOT finagle your lovely bride into naming this kitten something that disgusting!”

*Totally not his real name. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were?

My mom was all, “What now? Pardon?” So my aunt took my sweet and sheltered mother aside and explained to her what the word “snatch” meant. My mother? In all of the great comeback lines in the history of our smart ass family replied, “I wondered why all of those coaches were so interested in my cat!”

Because they had named the cat many weeks previously and he was already answering to something akin to “Hey Vagina! Come here!” they changed his name that weekend to be shortened to merely Satch.

Satch was a good cat and lived a good eight years or so until my sister was born and gave him a heart/anxiety attack from withholding his food from him unless he would eat one piece of food at a time from her hand.

Poor Satch.

Ok.

So. There. I told it.

I’m totally going to be fired from my family for telling you guys that. But, isn’t it a great story?

Up next? (It won’t be until next week, I will be gone for the next three business days.) The robe of degradation… partially donned by ME.

Much love.

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And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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