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“Thine Hath Had It Up To Here!”

Issue Date: Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005

Ya’ll wanna know something?

I have about had it up to here. And the here that I am so empirically speaking of is right above my collarbone and below my chin. Not so much my chestal (is so a word, shut it.) area… and not so much my nostril area. More of the royal version of, “Thine Hath Had It Up To Here!”

Not to evoke the doocing or anything, but shit… The job, she is a-sucking.

And when I say sucking, I am not implying polite spaghetti Lady and the Tramp dinner served by the kind wifebeater wearing chef bearing leftovers kind of sucking.

Nay, I say. Nay.

I mean the Greco Roman column Hoover’d through a fiber optic sucking.

The Jenna Jameson jealous of the power of a dyson and it’s Root Cyclone™ (tell me that’s not phallic… please.) sucking.

The “gravity is just a myth, the earth really just sucks, hardee har har” kind of sucking.

Full on Jeff Goldblum in The Fly speyaking on a donut and sucking it into his misshapen maw type of sucking.

I have had it.

I’m tired. I am tired of the dreams and the not sleeping and the restless nights and the bags under my eyes, Dear Lord… the bags alone are awful enough. I am tired of biting the head off of my poor husband when I tell him the latest saga of the week (or the day… or shit, the morning) and he says, “Baby, you need to…” and I don’t even let him finish his sentence… I hiss into the phone… “Please stop telling me what to do.”

I hissed.

Who hisses anymore?

I thought only Catwoman* did that… and poorly I might add. *Circa 1960’s… I never saw the Halle Berry movie … so, I can’t compare… moving along, sorry.

Am I menstrual? Who knows… it’s a few weeks until I start again, so I doubt it. I can’t claim nature has anything to do with this poor mood, although I just sneezed and almost peed all over myself and if that isn’t nature’s way of saying, “Bitch, get to the gym.” I don’t know what is**.

**Other than the sight of my own fat ass in the morning when I get out of the shower. Thankyouverymuch.

Ok… this is deteriorating.

I’ll try to come up with something positive later.

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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.


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