Princess of Irony

Weekend With Friends in Nac Part III

Issue Date: Monday, Feb. 13, 2006

Normal thing my Daddy says:
Self: Hey Daddy-O, how did you sleep last night?
Daddy: Slept fast baby. Slept. Fast.

Which for those of you who do not speak Daddyease means that the night went by very quickly. Sort of how I feel like this past weekend went. But it just doesn�t sound the same�

Random Person: Hey Susan, how was your weekend?
Self: Slept fast� er I mean it was filled completely and felt like it flew by except for those portions of it that were very busy and all I wanted to do was to throw on the breaks, holler �Hold up a dayum minute!� like Yosemite Sam and just take a freakin nap already because Lord!... Ti-yurd. Coincidentally, or not really a coincidence at all, I used to think Yosemite was pronounced Yo-seh-mite as opposed to Yo-seh-meh-tee.

Yeah, hooked on phonics can really screw with a person, no?

And why is it every time I hear a blasted Jack Johnson song I see Ben Stiller�s mug front and center in my noggin? Huh? HUH?! I asked you a Question Missy!

[::snap :: snap::]

Huh? What? Oh.

Yeah, Hi there. I was supposed to be telling y�all about the Nacogdoches weekend correct? Part three? Judas Priest in frilly panties, this thing has gotten out of hand. But, but� I really want to finish because memories are fading and I wanted to keep them forever like a little Coach bag that always seems so new and shiny when I polish it with the moisturizing cream. Uh, I think I�ve gone off topic again.

Nacogdoches.

Yes, Nacogdoches.

Ok, we were going to bed at about midnight or one am on Friday night when I finished up last time.

Saturday morning never seemed like it would get there. I was up all night with the jittery shakes of a junkie coming off of meth. Those damn two Dr. Peppers did a number on me and when I quit it with the talky-speaky and just tried to lay there� in the dark� in a one room hotel room� without lights� and the only sound was the old ass heater/air conditioning unit that sounded like it was all phlegm-y and I should have been calling it Doc Holiday� it was a tough five or six hours.

I could have gotten up and gone into the commons room to read or watch television or something but then I would have had to find clothes and more importantly a bra. And as I mentioned� it was dark n shit. And I refused to wake up my husband from a sound sleep just so I wouldn�t have to leave the room with my girls unfettered.

So lay there, I did. I slept fitfully for a few minutes at a time so I wasn�t totally crazy by the time Mister�s alarm went off at six and he got up and put on three layers of clothes. It was 34 degrees Fahrenheit (1.1 degree Celsius) Saturday morning and they were going out to play golf. Do I know how to throw a great party or what? Hey guys� golf! And freeze to death, while trying to avoid hitting the deer with the golf carts on the greens. Par-tay!

That morning Brenna and Jay�s oldest child was cheering for a basketball game within a block from where the hotel was so I was planning on joining J.Wo, Brenna and her two children as soon as I woke Gloria up. She had threatened me with death if I called her when the guys left (at Dawn�s ass crack) so I didn�t. I waited until she would have about 15 minutes to get up and get dressed for us to get there on time.

I ate breakfast at the nice little Continental spread they had set up. Yummy fruit, muffins, cereal and juice. And I waited for Glo to wake up. I watched Animal Planet and the Weather Channel and made a list for going to Wal*Mart later.

I finally called her at like 9:20 and asked her if she wanted to go. �If so, get the hell up because we have to be there at 9:45.�

She paused and said, �The game started at 8:45 Sue.� �It did not, oh shit� I�ll call J.Wo to see.�

I called J.Wo and sure enough, the game was over half way through. So we made plans for lunch.

Lisa (LuLu) and her husband (of the grand nostrils) Tim called and asked us to wait for them to get there before we went to lunch. She said that they would be at the hotel at noon. I called Jen and cleared it with them and then called the boys on the golf course and let Mister know:
Self: Hey baby!
Mister: Hey honey.
Self: How is it going out there� are you still freezing your tail off?
Mister: It is going great and no, I warmed up and shed a few layers.
Self: What hole are y�all on? I don�t want to keep you long but I wanted to see if y�all would be able to meet us for lunch so Tim and LuLu can surprise D�.
Mister: We�re on the 9th hole. I am not sure how quick the last 9 holes will go but I�ll call you in a little bit.
Self: Ok, let them know we want to meet for lunch at Chili�s but don�t tell D� that Tim and LuLu are here� or will be here around noonish.
Mister: Will do. Love you, bye.

So Tim and LuLu pulled into Nacogdoches exactly at noon. J.Wo, Brenna and her two little precious girls and I were waiting in the commons area on the 6th floor when they came in.

Y�all? It was so good to see LuLu. To hug my friend meant so much to me.

We took a few pictures and then headed to Chili�s to meet the guys for lunch. We got a great table outside and the sun was shining and it was 70 F (21.1 C) something degrees and gorgeous. I couldn�t have asked for a more beautiful day� or a more personable waitress� her name was Zee.

Zee got us all situated with drinks and chips and salsa. What did I order to drink you ask? Oh, a Dr. Pepper because Saturday night was slated to be the late night and I hadn�t slept well in oh, say 3 or four nights prior� what was one more?

The boys pulled up and Tim and LuLu went to the bottom part of the patio and when D�Wayne walked in they walked up all casual, �Hey man, want to have lunch?� Heh.

The lunch was a two and a half hour ordeal that was awesome. We took pictures and smoked and laughed and made plans for the evening. We were only expecting one more couple to come in and that was D�Wayne�s best friend and co-worker Ron and his wife Olga. D�Wayne didn�t know that they were coming so we were trying to facilitate a surprise. We made it back to the hotel and Gloria asked D� to play a song from a cd he purchased for her that morning and while he was messing with the cd, Ron and Olga pulled into the parking lot.

Whew. All surprises met and accounted for.

Then Mister, D� and Glo headed upstairs to nap and Tim headed up to study for one of his frillion classes. Do y�all remember the Hedley�s from the �Hey Mon!� skit on In Living Color? They were a Jamaican family that held like 14 jobs each. That is who Tim reminds me of, �You got only seven jobs? You lazy pig dog� why you could get another job on the way to your fifth job�� Anyway, Tim has like 3 full time jobs, he is going back to school and he is also teaching a few classes. Lazy bastard. Idle hands are the devil�s playground my man.

So they all went to do that, J.Wo, Jay and Brenna went to go nap or something too and LuLu and I headed to the Wal*Mart.

Ok. Let me give you guys a little back story about this particular Wal*Mart. I�m still emotionally scarred because I spent so much time at this place that I will hardly go into a Wal*Mart now unless you drag me forcibly. It was basically the hub of Nacogdoches� existence because where else could you get a pallet of sod, your tires changed, seven avocado�s, a flirty little knit top and a pack of 12 men�s tube socks? A virtual one stop shop for the busy East Texan.

[::shudder::]

Anway, I needed the following items: ear plugs (see above comment on air conditioning/heater unit in hotel room with tuberculosis), FeBreeze� clothing spray (I wanted to be able to pack my suitcase without it smelling like a stale ashtray), AA batteries for Gloria�s camera, lighter fluid for new lighter and maybe some make up to make us feel pretty.

We walked in and I immediately started having a panic attack. The smell was kickin� fertilizer, cedar shavings, tire and eau de desperate (also known as Mac n� Cheese). I was sweating and extremely nervous and we walked by the announcer lady to hear [click] �Excuse me Wals*Mart shoppers, if you are driving a white Bruick, licence number &63Arra*&?... it will be towed �meediately.� (Y�all I tried to spell how she said Buick, but I don�t think they have made keys or characters on my keyboard for that pronunciation yet.)

Regardless, I was starting to worry that I may shit my drawers. One from laughing at the language barrier and two because, Oh Holy shit� y�all� if I was going to run into anyone from my past? I would be at the Wals*Mart.

I was sweating. Did I mention the beautiful day outside? I was not hot inside the ~~hellhole~~ Wal*Mart� but all the same my hair was wet around my hair line. I was breathing all fast and I was convinced that any moment someone was going to pop out from behind an end cap and demand that I return to the double-wide trailer immediately. Or meediately as the announcer lady would have said.

LuLu tried to keep it light, laughing at this and that. Bringing up positive memories, trying to assure me that no one would recognize me. I had my hair up and I was wearing my glasses that I didn�t start wearing until 2002 or 2003. Oh, and I had packed on the extra weight for winter. Fuck, if bears can do it� so can I.

Finally we got out of there and headed to the Sonic for Strawberry Limeades and then we went to visit LuLu�s cousin Greg. Lord, that made me feel old. We pulled up to this house that had about 7 cars in the driveway and an Aztec like shrine of empty beer cases in the living room. It was like 4 or 4:30 pm and they (Greg and his frat brothers and friends) had already started drinking. Yes, they are 21 or so and we are all old ass fogies. But still. All these kids laying around the living room watching �Something About Mary� like a pile of puppies. Everyone smiling at the two old broads that came to check out their cousin�s crib.

Did I just say crib?

Move along.

So we went back and got dressed because we had to leave at like 6:45 to pick up the rest of the crew for dinner reservations at Casa Thomas. Heh, Casa Thomas. This particular place is within stone�s throw from mine and LuLu�s old dorm rooms and Gloria and J.Wo�s old apartments. Quite the fancy restaurant� Heh� sure.

Regardless, I walked in and this waiter was making his way through the thirteen or so of us that met for dinner. And that�s when I came face to face with Chip. Chip� a career waiter in Nacogdoches. He looked right at me and then walked past me with a polite, �Scuse� me�. I pulled LuLu aside and asked her, �Is that [points] Chip� that old bartender from Blank & Company downtown?� LuLu looked at Chip, nodded and responded with and elegant, �Oh holy sheeeit.�

He didn�t recognize me. Although the only time I have seen him and not been an unforgettable customer was when I was 19 or so and I was working as a hostess at this place downtown (Blank & Co) that had stairs. Stairs. My ass was hard as a rock from running stairs all night. And now? I am 33 and my ass is far from rock hard, and hardly looking like that of a nineteen year olds� posterior.

We had a wonderful dinner. We were set at a long thin table and the din of noise was so loud and garbled from other tables that I could really hear only those immediate 4 or 5 people around me. Halfway through dinner D�Wayne hollered, �Sue? Can I use your phone?� I nodded and passed it to him� he looked at it and said, �Something is wrong, I must have pushed a wrong button.� I took the phone from him and looked at it. Eight missed calls.

Eight? We�ve only been sitting here for about 25 minutes.

I pushed the key for voicemail and I heard:
Jay: Well, Sue Mamma, I can�t hear you or talk to you during dinner so I am leaving you a message.
Jay: You never call, you never write, I miss you Sue Mamma! Miss youuuuuuuu!
Brenna: Hey Sue Mamma, I just wanted to say hey and that I hope y�all are enjoying your meal at the other end of the table!
Olga: Hi Sue, this is Olga, I am just sitting one person away from you � hope we have fun tonight!
Gloria: Sue, you hot mamma, you know you�re a good looking woman and your nipples get hard when you think of me.
Jay: Dammit Sue, your food is getting cold!
J.Wo: Heee Heee Heee! Blah blah� (it was too loud at this time with all the laughter and I was telling the rest of the table that they were assholes and I couldn�t hear what J.Wo was saying.)
Kim: Hi Susan, you don�t know me, I am on the other end of the restaurant from you and Jay wanted me to call and say hello.

Jay had some random person leave me a message. Gotta love him. Actually the other day I got Googled for �Jay Knott� so I told him he was famous and people were trying to find him on my site. He was all, �Your site??? Can I Google myself and find you?� Sure can babe, sure can.

Y�all? I have got to finish this at another time� This is like six pages and I haven�t even gotten to the Jitterbugs part.

Much love and long reading,
Susan

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