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It's a Practical Joke Beeyotch!

Issue Date: Wednesday, Apr. 16, 2003

Sprint PCS is gonna love me for this. Their marketing department will throw up their hands in shock and awe (sorry.) over my brilliance. They will hold a parade, not in my dorky honor but as testament to my Creative Genius. They will call friends and neighbors to witness my giant brain’s ability to spew forth greatness. Check it.

Currently Sprint PCS has a commercial airing that contains the following premise. A rancher orders 200 Oxen for his ranch to pull wagons and other such beast of burden-ly tasks. The cell phone he was calling from had static and he was mistakenly sent 200 Dachshund. Stumped cowboys with quizzical expressions and hilarity ensues. The warning of “Stampeeeeeeeeede!” is heard, wiener dogs run rampant, Sprint spokes dude does his spiel and the logo runs.

Here’s my take:

Horticultural Nursery is the setting, many people working on plants, trees and flowers. Landscapers complete with hats, gloves, pruning shears and gardening clogs are in the shot. Bees are everywhere. Sprint PCS dude is in a beekeeper’s outfit. Landscaper ordered 200 Trees, but because of static on his unworthy cell phone, he received 200 Bees. Landscapers in the background are swatting at bees and basically looking very unhappy. The warning of “Swaaaaaaaaaaaaaarm!” is heard and a landscaper runs through the frame screaming “Bee-yotches!!!!!!!!!!” Spokes dude does his spiel and the logo runs.

Bee-yotch. Heh.

Well, hell. What do you expect from someone who channeled Salt N’ Pepa last entry?

Love this Cartoon. Props to Dan Piraro. Hope this doesn’t get me in trouble. Ya’ll check out his WebSite. It rocks!

My brother in law and my mother have an amazing and quite funny relationship. My mother is what most would consider the perfect Southern woman. She cooks, she bakes (yes, there is a difference), she sews clothes for her family, she gardens and she has a sweet sense of humor and is very affectionate. My brother in law is hysterical. He was raised by a fantastic family in Fort Worth, TX, is a hard worker, treats my sister like a queen and has a great sense of humor.

When my brother in law joined us for his first Christmas as a part of the family (1995) my mother gave him a gift after all the other gifts were given out and opened. He looked at the exquisitely wrapped present and thanked her from his heart. He is a gracious soul but no amount of good manners and impeccable breeding could prepare him for what was to happen next. He carefully unwrapped the present and found a beautiful cherry wood picture frame with the backside facing him. He turned it over to find an 8”x10” picture of my mother smiling wide and showing off her new hat and gloves. The BIL did not know what to say at first and so my mother offered, (helpfully of course) “I hope you like it. I thought you could put it on your desk at your new office at work.” BIL stammers and turned to thank my mother with sincerity. [Side note, we’re gonna call my mother June; as in Cleaver; for the rest of this diary.] “Thank you June,” stammered BIL, “it is a lovely picture.” At which point my Mother busted out, laughing her ass off. She may have even snorted. She knew that no new (or old even) son in law would want a picture of his mother in law at his office, and definitely not an 8”x10” enorm-a-huge picture. BIL blinked twice and looked to my sister for help. She was too busy rolling around on the floor laughing at the uncharacteristically funny practical joke my mother had pulled on her new husband.

Flash forward to the next Christmas.

Note: My mother had; in the interim; learned all about the Internet. She even took to calling herself the Net Wizard.

BIL was playing Santa and handing out gifts. When they were all given out, opened and ooh’d and aaahhh’d over, he handed my mother a very special package. She squealed with delight at getting the last gift and ripped through the paper. The box was nondescript and gave away nothing about the present within. June opened the box and found her face staring back at her in the shape of a mouse pad. BIL had taken the picture from the previous Christmas and had it made into a mouse pad for the Net Wizard.

It was on then.

My mother gave the picture back to BIL in the form of a calendar the year after. Or something sort of like that, so he could enjoy her face daily and throughout the changing of the seasons.

But BIL won the cake when on a family trip to Destin, FL. (Not the one I was talking about yesterday.) He showed up with a wrapped present for each family member. Everyone opened their present expectantly because he is such a thoughtful guy, and to our amazement, we found 4 XL white beefy T-shirts with… yep, my mother’s picture Large and In Charge on the front. It was huge! BIL slammed. He was the king of turning the practical joke around. My father, after many rumrunners, ran down the beach during that trip screaming, “I Love YOU JUUUUUUUNE!” while wearing the picture of his wife blazoned across his chest.

The picture of June hasn’t surfaced in many years in the form of a practical joke. It did, however, turn up shortly after I started dating Mister. We were searching through pictures that evoked memories (YOU: no… you’re kidding!?… ME: oh hush.). I was telling Mister stories about my family so he wouldn’t run screaming when he met them, and so he would understand some of my quirkiness. A picture was found of the family in Destin and I began telling him how fun it was to vacation there with them. He looked dubious, so to convince him, I broke out the “Net Wizard Picture” story and then found the t-shirt for him to see.

I don’t think he’s convinced. But I may try to talk him into wearing it this weekend when we go to my parents’ house for Easter with the family.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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