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I need a nap.

Issue Date: Thursday, Apr. 24, 2003

This one time, at science dork camp…

There I was, joining all the other excited boys and girls for orientation. I was the only one older than 14 that I could see. I was surprised to be handed off to a blind professor that promised to show me the ropes. His name was David and he, of the ‘refusing to use a white, blind guy stick/cane thingy’, was a slight of stature with a big smile. He led me across a large recreation area with a pool, gondola and refreshment stand. As he did so, several other science dorks decided to play tough love with David. One screamed like they were drowning. David blew his handy whistle and went to save the “drowning” victim. As he ran across the slick concrete, Helen Hunt (a la’ Quarterback Princess era) popped out of the pool and yelled “Marco!”. David laughed heartily and continued ushering me across the pool area.

Before we could get all the way across, Jeremy Piven stood boldly in David’s way. Jeremy told me, “Even if the professor is retiring and he is being honored today, today is our special day.” Sure enough, there printed on his brown plaid shirt was a sticker proclaiming, “This is MY SPECIAL DAY.” He gestured towards a group of his friends sitting on orange, plastic, public school issue chairs and yep, they too all had matching “Special Day” stickers on their ugly smocks.

I wanted to take a picture of these retards, so I brought out my trusty Elph camera that I love so dearly.

As David led me into the workshop/school area one of the science camp regulars made a huge discovery. I already had my camera out, so I positioned it to take a picture. I looked at the back of the camera and the battery had spontaneously combusted and basically ripped my camera a new one. I asked one of the guys around me if they could fix my camera. They said, “Sure! We fix stuff like that all the time. All we need is… a camera exactly like that one.”

A tornado siren went off and………………… scene.

That whole gooberiness was, in fact, a dream I had this morning in like 7 minutes, between one alarm cycle and the next. A Snoozer, if you will.

The sound I woke up to was Mister’s Super Duper Deluxe Supreme Coffee Maker 2000 Plus with Wings. It slices, it dices, and it can even retile your bathroom. The only drawback is that it sounds like a cross between a 747 taking off in the kitchen and a tornado siren.

I need a nap.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

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