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My Uterus, the Martyr.

Issue Date: Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004

Suzanna Danna: Ow. Could you just… stop… it… please?

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: I told you once, and I’ll tell you again… Don’t mess with me, I will make your life hell! Hell I say!

Suzanna Danna: I’ve already entered the seventh ring of hell thanks to you.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Look, if you’d just do as I say… nobody gets hurt.

Suzanna Danna: I already went on a mini shopping spree for you yesterday. You wanted the cute knit pantsuit that looked comfy and warm.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Yeah, but you were all “Fine.” about the whole thing. Couldn’t you just say something nice and be happy about it for once?

Suzanna Danna: I was nice! We even had a hot pocket for breakfast yesterday. I thought you would be happy about that!

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: I wanted Dove chocolate and beer.

Suzanna Danna: You messed up my panties.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: You wouldn’t give me the chocolate and beer.

Suzanna Danna: For breakfast?

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: You also ate some healthy salmon shit for lunch when I specifically asked for pasta. Lots of pasta!

Suzanna Danna: But I am trying to be healthy.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: I’ll be nice if you just get some of that berry colored lip gloss from that lady in finance who moonlights for Mary Kay.

Suzanna Danna: I spent my allowance on the cute knit pantsuit that looked comfy and warm yesterday… for you because you were screaming for drawstring pants and elastic waistbands. Sheesh.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: How about some pizza from Mama’s down off of Parker?

Suzanna Danna: That stuff goes straight to my belly and I don’t need the heartburn thankyouverymuch. The last time I got that pizza for you… we ate one piece then had to spend the rest of the evening in the restroom. No, thank you.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: It wasn’t MY fault.

Suzanna Danna: Of course it was. You are just being difficult.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Heh. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

Suzanna Danna: Oh quit it. Stop acting like you are in some sort of alliance with Mister and my mother. I can change my mind sometimes.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: You change your mind all the time. If you would just settle down and … and….

Suzanna Danna: And what? Please don’t start in on me now. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I’m tired and a little vulnerable.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: If you’d just settle down and have a baby.

Suzanna Danna: No. Not right now. Mister and I have a plan. And you are just going to have to wait.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Come ON. Just one? A little one?… With sprinkles?

Suzanna Danna:Sprinkles?

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Uh… yeah, be a dear and fetch me a Krispy Kreme donut with sprinkles would you?

Suzanna Danna: [shaking head] I swear, I am the only woman on the planet with a passive aggressive uterus with ADD.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: You asked for it.

Suzanna Danna: Ow! Meanie! Quit.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: How do you like them apples huh?

Suzanna Danna: If you ruin this new pantsuit I am going to seriously think about putting you into a permanent ‘time out’.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Oh, you won’t do anything of the sort. We’ve been buddies… pals for nigh on 20 years… you love me. I let you get your ears pierced when you were thirteen, right?

Suzanna Danna: Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: By the way. What was up with you getting your upper ear cartilage pieced over last Thanksgiving?

Suzanna Danna: I am under the impression that I’m not nineteen anymore. I guess I did it because I could.

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: Smart. Real smart. … [pause] Hey, where’s my donut?

Suzanna Danna: How about some almonds … or a Dr. Pepper?

Suzanna Danna’s Uterus: We could really use a new pair of shoes yanno…

Props to classic Weetabix for the whole talking uterus idea.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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