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“Could my hair BE any more like Elaine from Seinfeld?” I asked myself.

Issue Date: Tuesday, Jun. 22, 2004

Thoughts from your average white girl on a Tuesday morning.

Hmmm… Bare Minerals/Bare Escentuals?

Yeah, Hi. You guys suck.

I sooo bought into your little scheme about your products. So pure you can sleep in them you say? Oh, I think NOT. Lookit my face. Look. At. It.

I have been using Clarins for the past year. My skin was glorious, pores smaller, hardly any breakouts even before my special woman time… and redness? Diminished. Blemishes? Nary a one. I have been so faithful. My skin has been showing the love.

Yesterday morning I thought to myself, “Self… let’s try that light and airy Bare Escentuals/Bare Minerals today. It is humid outside. The light pure makeup should feel like nothing against my skin.”

So… I tried it.

Last night, before bed, my husband looked into my eyes lovingly… then recoiled in terror and said, “Baby, what do you have on your face?” “Bare Minerals,” I replied. “Do you like it?” He said, “No, and neither does your skin… it’s blotchy and bumpy.”

I went to look in the mirror. Sure enough. I looked like Charlize Theron… and not in a good way. More of a strung out, bisexual hooker, Monster way. Red blotchy skin. A bumpy and an uneven surface with red-rimmed eyes. Sexxxxxx-Ay!

I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed my face until it was shiny and clean. It is still pissed though. Even with the apologies, the good products that have been applied and the sacrifices offered in repentance my skin is mad.

Mad as Kathy Lee Gifford.

(I have no idea what that metaphor means, it just popped into my head… and I’m gonna go with it.)

Hey Bare Minerals and that chick with the big teeth that pimps for you on QVC? I hate you. Hate. I threw away over a $100 worth of your product last night.

It may be possible that Rhinestone may have been the first of the seven signs of the apocalypse.

Phenergan™ is perhaps the bestest drug in the world. Queasy? Take one. Vomiting because of migraines, take one… or try to. Phenergan™ rocks. May not be used while breastfeeding? No problem there. May make me dizzy? Bonus!

Will help with the over all feeling of being green in the gills and that I just spent 74 frillion hours on a tugboat, in 103 degree heat, 12 foot waves, throwing out a line of chum and eating a greasy pork sandwich (in a dirty ashtray… thank you Chet from Weird Science).

People all over the world thought that aspirin was a miracle drug. I submit that Phenergan™ is the cornerstone of the foundation… of the house that love built.

Are my boobs getting smaller? I don’t think so. I am like 4 seconds away from my cycle. And they don’t feel smaller… as a matter of fact… Geeze! they feel huge! Or Yooooge (thanks Mr. Trump).

So what’s with the bra on the tightest hook thing?

[Looking into the bathroom mirror.]

“Could my hair BE any more like Elaine from Seinfeld?” I asked myself.

[Do the little retarded dance/kick thing she does at company parties.]



I seriously have nothing today. I am just passing off these random thoughts as an entry. Or trying to.

Suggestions for an entry are welcome. Guest entries? Anyone?

Bail a sistah out.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

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