Princess of Irony

It's 2:30 p.m. and I haven't vomited yet.

Issue Date: Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2006

Ya�ll? I do not have the sense that God gave a box of hair.

Let�s look at my day in slo-mo, shall we?

Get up early, shower, dress, make up, hair� blah blah blah.

Take the dog out approximately eighteen (ok, three) times before I leave for work.

Grab a muffin for breakfast and a salad from Wendy�s out of the refrigerator to take to the office for lunch.

Stop by my chiropractors office twice in as many days to get an adjustment� cry during adjustment� feel like an idiot� take the handfuls of bio freeze and promise to come back tomorrow.

Get to the office� eat a muffin, turn in a project and then work, work, work.

I can barely turn my head in either direction. I feel like Joan Cusak as Geek Girl #1 in Sixteen Candles� just without the retainer, headgear and back brace. A scene that is burned into my memory is of her trying to get a drink of water from the water fountain without being able to bend at the waist or move her neck. Hi. That is me today, just without accessories.

Work, work , work some more. Go into the kitchen at lunch to retrieve salad from refrigerator. Hmmm� when did I buy this salad? Open salad. Look questioningly at salad enough that manager from another department offers to smell my salad for me.

I let her.

Smells ok, good even. Put dressing and various crunchy bits on salad.

Eat.

Clean up desk and throw all trash into Wendy�s bag before throwing it in the trash.

Find receipt.

Receipt says 9/6/06.

Oh. My. God.

Send text message to Mister saying the following: �Hi, my name is Susan, I have Botulism and Salmonella.�

Now, ya�ll. I am sure, SURE that Wendy�s uses enough preservatives in their food to keep Joan Collins looking fresh as a daisy� but DAMN. Six days, SIX(!).

This does not bode well for my Mensa application.

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