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“Hello, My name is Elvira. I am snazzy and also… I will cut you."

Issue Date: Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004

I know, poppets, I know… it has been almost 20 days since my last confession entry and I am a bad journaller. A bad, dirty journaller. What are you ever to do with me?

Enroll me in an English class to learn proper grammar?


What fun would that be? I ask you?

Because then I may get all pouty and even when I am busier than Michael Jackson at a JC Penney’s Juniors Sale (All boys clothes… half off! Hee!… Tis a [dirty] old[e] joke and I don’t care!) I will not come back and in the midst of all of my planning meetings and conferences and baby showers and anniversary trips and show you pretty and scary pictures for your pleasure? That would be a travesty no? No.

Wait! Yes! Yes, it would be a travesty. I have just forgotten how to write coherent sentences.

Turn away from the rambling.

Look, look over here… shiny.

New, pretty.

“Hello, My name is Elvira. Mister purchased me for Suzanna Danna because she is hot. I am snazzy and also… I will cut you. Give me your money.”

Yes, ladies… and ladies (the gentlemen do not give a shit) this is the precious. She is a Coach. I have lusted and dreamed and my husband. Yes, he is the laid. She is black and quite plain, I wanted something to go with everything… and she does, she’s my first. My Coach cherry.

But… I also got a little cosmetics bag to go inside Elvira. Her name is Florida Evans.

I am completely insane.

In the past several weeks I have slept in like eleventy hotel beds. I have been in Irving, TX, Houston, TX, San Antonio, TX (twice) and several hotels here in Dallas… why? Because… I told you, I am insane.

The last room I was in blinded me.

Here, I’ll share.

My eye!


Let me tell you a little bit about my other travels.

Mister and I embarked on our anniversary trip over the 23rd through the 27th. We went to San Antonio, TX and had a BALL. We drove down the afternoon of that Thursday and got to our hotel and Mister had our itinerary all planned out.

It was so cute.

Friday we woke up and headed over to the Natural Bridge Caverns. I hiked my Rubenesque ass down 180 feet into the earth. It was 72 degrees with 123908251984235194% humidity. I was sweating like a mule.


We went a half a mile in or something and the sights are incredible. If you guys ever get a chance to go. Go. Really.

Saturday we woke up early and went over to Sea World. Mister had planned this behind the scenes four-hour tour thing. We met up with our tour captain (I’ll call her Gilligan… even though this tour was longer than three hours), and she took us immediately to feed the sea lions and the seals.

After shoveling dead herrings into the gullets of loud sea mammals we went to this show called “Tools for Fools”, cute really.

I caught myself yelling, “Otter! Otter! Otter! Otter! Otter! Otter! Otter!” and pointing at the little scurrying otters along with the rest of the four year olds… er I mean, the rest of the perfectly behaved adults.

I also got to feed some nectar to some gorgeous Lorikeets inside their habitat. I don’t know what it is about birds. They sort of freak me right the fuck out. I would like to think that I am all cool and not in the least bit judgmental towards those of the feathered persuasion. But, um. Skeeved should about cover it. They are soooo sooo pretty, really, but just stay over there with your dandruffy feathers and shit that can get up my nose and ultimately into my brain ok mister mite taxi? OK.

Movin forward.

Oh, note to Mister: Sorry that I have that expression on my face in the 1001 pictures you took of me in the Lorikeet exhibit. See above, Thank you. PS, love you.

After the Lorikeets and the “Tools for Fools” thingy…

Oh man…



Please disregard that chick with the big blonde head. She wouldn’t shut the hell up the whole frikkin time during the tour, we DON’T care who your friend is or why you two are here and please, please smoke over there or I will be sucking the smoke out of your lungs, thank you.

And yes, I did cry, that orca is Gi.Norma.Huge! And the trainer had Josh Groban playing and asked us all to “shhhhhhh” then he had the orca sing… Oh I fuckin LOST it.

We got to go behind the scenes. I got to go back to where they have all seven Se.VEN. of the orcas in their pool for training.

Oh, and then…. Then I fed a dolphin. And petted him.

A lot.

It was gorgeous.

Did I tell you guys that I wanted to go into marine biology when I was younger? No?

Well, now you know. So, yeah, this trip rocked for me. My husband rocks.

Thank you for playing.

I’ll be back later with more… I have planning meetings… two with in the next three days.

Oh…. And someone used my credit card to spend $334 dollars at a Hispanic super market. Three Hundred and Thirty Four Dollars. Doll. ARS.


Kill me…. Or, pray for me.

Thanks for being patient.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

My Amazon Wish List.

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