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Gadgets and Stuff

Issue Date: Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007

I have an hour.

How much damage can I do in an hour? I’m thinking collateral. Or at least enough typing to drown out the sound of the woman sitting next to me, she is talking on the phone. That? In itself? Not so bad. But when you throw in the fact that almost everything she is saying is LOUD and more importantly WRONG... that makes me all stabby.

If you’ve ever seen Kung Fu Hustle, I want to go all landlady with the rollers and the cigarette permanently affixed to the corner of her mouth on this woman sitting next to me. Yes, it is that bad.

How many times can you say “uhhhhhhhh” in one fucking phone call!!!!!? She’s on seventeen.

Okay I need to stop right there. (Searching inside Elvira for Spencer. Those of you who know what I am talking about, inform the others. Or, others?... there is a search function on the new page. I have shit to tell you guys.)

First. I have white spots on my tonsils. Gross right? Yeah, I thought so too. I saw them this morning as I was doing my make up. I make it a point to check in the bat cave, my teeth and my mouth while I am doing the make up ritual in the mornings. So throat = sore. I have trouble swallowing (shut up.) and it is ouchy, so I looked. I have the Target advertisement in my throat. My tonsils are all big and red with white spots.

So I called Hot Argentinean Dr. this morning to see if I could swing by for a little strep throat swabbing action. No go. His back up is out of town and he is slammed until tomorrow morning. I have to go to South Padre (?) tomorrow for the day so that’s a no go. I decided that I didn’t want to infect anyone at the office with... the spottiness so I swung into a PrimaCare.

If you believe in the ever after, PrimaCare is hell.

A bunch of snotty people coughing and sneezing all over everyone and everything while The Pacifier plays on a TV in the corner and you wait for an hour. Also? $75 for the doctor to tell me I have a viral infection (he called it pharyngitis – also known as sore throat – not strep or the Hantavirus, as I previously thought) and to prescribe me a ... get this ... a gargle.

A Gargle. No fucking shit. I was all open mouthed disbelief at him too when he handed me the script. And then he leaned back in the room and mentioned, “Oh, and stop smoking.”

So that was this morning. Whee.

Totally looking for my happy place right now. My happy place happens to be the song/video Only Gay Eskimo by Corky and the Juice Pigs. Ahhhhhhh. Heh... North Pole.

Here, I’ll share.

Second. Our current contract for our souls cell phones with Sprint ends on 9/28/07. The 27th is mine and Mister’s four year anniversary. Four freaking years. It seems only yesterday that we were a’courtin. If you don’t already have one, go out immediately and get a Mister for yourself. He is the bestest thing that has ever happened to me. He is my best friend and lover and I still get butterflies when I am headed home from work because I know that in a few minutes I will get to see him. All together? Awwwwwww!!!! And for those bitter ones in the crowd “Blargh!” and a massive eyeroll. There.

So because it is our anniversary, we will be traveling and I was worried that on the 28th we would be other wise occupied... if you know what I mean... and I totally mean smelling reconstituted fart air on American Airlines... and that we wouldn’t have time to switch over the phone lines. And I would be damned if we were going to renew with Sprint.

So this weekend we went to Verizon after breakfast.

I have to mention this. I don’t normally drink caffine. When I drink caffine I am that annoying coked up girl who is all, “Oh My GOD, don’t you just love this bedazzled jean jacket? I can wear my hair in a scrunchy and look totally like Debbie Gibson, FUCK! I need a bowler hat. Can you see my fillings? I need a new book. Maybe we could have bruschetta for dinner. La la la ... BEEES! Holy SHIT! BEEES!” [breaks down weeping] So yeah, not a good look for me. But at breakfast I had not just one, but two massive iced coffees and I was all cranked out on caffeine and Mister said that he if Verizon didn’t give us a good deal, that he would drive off and just leave me all caffeinated on their sales floor and then come back in like an hour and he was SURE that they would make a good deal then.

By the way, I am totally singing along, loudly and off key to Mariah’s Vanishing. I don’t care who the fuck you are. This is a hard song. And... I can’t sing. Seriously, you’d have to pay me (or get me drunk or caffeinated) to get me to do karaoke.

Where was I?

Oh, the phone. Yeah, I totally have one of those fun VCast LG VX9400 (or whatever) phones that you can watch TV on. Guess who didn’t need anymore reason to space out to some video coming from a handheld techy gadget? Me. That’s who. They gave me a temporary phone number, got me all situated and on the 28th when our contract with Sprint is up... BAM! We call and they port over my number. They already put all of my contacts in the phone. It’s cute. He needs a name. Any help?


Oh, Lord.

Third. My sister happened to call and say something along the lines of, “Sales on massive flat panel tv’s at blah blah blah”.... I didn’t hear the rest of what she said because Mister was putting a shirt over my head, shoes on my feet and carrying me to the Tahoe to go to Circuit City.

You can guess the rest.

We already have... (okay, for you dudes, and some of you chicks out there who know what I am talking about, if I get it wrong, just let it go... no need to send me an email all, “No! It’s called an ELECTRONIC ORGASMIC D-Link... you Asshole!”) a television, that is hooked into a receiver thingy that is hooked up to the five surround sound speakers and two sub woofers, the XM Radio home package, a D-Link, a DVR recorder with a DVD player, and a new DVD player that... I don’t know. Has magic unicorn humping capabilities or something. A cable box that is sort of like a whimpy Tivo and now this massive TV.

You all need to come over once it gets installed and we’ll have a party. I need to have some reason to justify having all of this gadgetry in the house.

There’s more... but my hour is up.

Much love and widescreen 1080 HMDI (or something).... seriously. I don’t KNOW.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

My Amazon Wish List.

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