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Internal Convict Conflict

Issue Date: Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005

Self: Hey there Squinty McNotAttractive.

Also Self: Bite it, mean girl.

Self: What??? What did I do? Huh? It’s not like I went off and left your glasses on Mister’s bathroom counter where he can clearly see them and mock you later about all the squinting!

Also Self: Like I meant to leave my glasses at home, sheesh. Have a little compassion. It’s been a rough one already.

Self: Oh, what… wah, did your soy latte have a bubble in it or something you spoiled little bitch?

Also Self: You are so hateful. Gah. And you of all people should know… I don’t drink soy lattes. Eeesh. I like caramel frappacinos.

Self: Princess, that’s why your ass is the size of a VW bus. And if you aren’t upset about the soy latte thing… then what is your problem, huh? You got all bent out of shape yesterday about Every. Little. Thing.

Also Self: I did not. The tire thing was a viable complaint.

Self: Just because your tire went flat does not give you the right to shake your feeble little fist at the sky and yell “Damn You Stella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.

Also Self: But….

Self: And you are not like that chick on Men in Black II where every time she got sad, it rained…. Only with you… your tires go flat… sheesh… Please… GET that sick egomaniacal bullshit out of your dramatic skull.

Also Self: But they do go flat when I’m sad… with alarming frequency.

Self: Coincidence only. And that Stella thing? Not original. As a matter of fact, half of your “funny shit” is probably not your funny shit. You couldn’t original yourself out of a wet paper bag.

Also Self: Um, original is not a verb. And hello, this talking to yourself thing is so not original either.

Self: Point taken. [grumble]

Also Self: Why are you being so mean to me? Oh… do you want special credit for that Greco Roman column thing because of your ‘sucking’ capabilities in college?

Self: Stop it right there…

Also Self: What?! *blink*

Self: Look… I know you’re cranky and all because you have to go get your chassis oiled and lubed today at the special lady doctor and because this has been a hell week and all that but…

Also Self: You really are being mean though.

Self: Tough love chickie… tough love.

Also Self: Well, quit it… Let me ask you a question… Do you enjoy the week we’ve been having?

Self: No.

Also Self: And that reverse jaws of life thing that the OB-GYN uses to get all up in our business to check on our spleen…

Self: Yeah, that sucks too.

Also Self: So… why are you all over my ass about getting out of my funk? And what is with this tough love stuff? We have a reason to wallow and eat chocolate and whine a bit. And it’s cold outside… ooohh… we could do a post about winter.

Self: You’re gonna gank gatsby’s idea now?

Also Self: Hey… I thought you said I couldn’t “original my way out of a pa-”

Self: Ok, ok… truce?

Also Self: Truce.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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