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The Kingdom Hath Spread

Issue Date: Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005

Last night at 12:30 am my cell phone rang out in the darkness. Calling for me from downstairs. George Michael’s Amazing (Shut it. No making fun of my ring tone.) singing out beautifully, loud and clear, startling the cat from his perch on the 6th step from the bottom stair. I, of course, didn’t hear the blasted thing because I leave it down there for a reason.

I have had the same cell phone number since… oh roughly 1842, and everyone and their dog have my number. My old boyfriends? Have it. Drunken bootie calls from the 1900’s? Have it. Some freakin 412-230-9978 calling card number that sounds like someone is licking the phone when they leave a message? Yeah, they have my number too.

So I get random calls, yeah… but I remember my number dammit. And if I learn one more number and forget my married name I am going to go carnival psycho crazy on someone. Ya dig? I also forget my sister’s phone number when I learn a new one. It’s like I have a finite amount of space for numbers in my noggin. Useless movie trivia? I have space in spades bitches… but try to get me to remember my parents’ address where they have lived for almost four years. Forget that shit.

And. Yes, AND. My phone does this… YOU HAVE NEW VOICE MAIL!!!! HOLY SHIT! I AM SO LOUD! ::silence for 38 seconds:: IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME YOU DEAF PUNK… YOU HAVE VOICE MAIL!!!!! Reminder thing that drives Mister batshit crazy.

And I can’t remember to put on pants some damn mornings, hello! So thank you for not pointing out that I can’t remember to turn my damn phone from silent to level four and vibrate to where I can hear it ringing from the depths of my desk drawer at the office or in the car. So… in that long winded explanation. I leave the poor little thing downstairs. Right? Right.

So… yeah…. Back to the message that I didn’t get last night at 12:30 am.

It was this.

Kerry: “Oh my God… I know this is totally inappropriate but… BEEEP…”

What the?

Ya’ll remember Kerry right? She’s the tall blonde on the left in this picture (of the Kerr Krew… the bottom picture. PS, Stacey is the other tall blonde.) Wave to the innernets Kerry. We lurve you.

Ok. So… Kerry was leaving me supposedly inappropriate messages on my cell phone at midnight-thirty and I didn’t even get to hear them? Hmmm. Must call her ass at 8:00 am and find out what happened last night.

Ring… Ring…
“Hi, Sorry I can’t take your call right now… but please leave me a message after the tone…BEEP”
me: Uh, Kerry, it’s Sue… I got your message from last night, well, really a half message. It is 8:00 am on Thursday morning the 9th and… Oh, that’s you calling on the other line.


me: Hey, I was just leaving you a message on your voice mail.
Kerry: Hi, how are you?
me: Fine, and you?
Kerry: Doing well.
me: What happened last night? I got a half a message from you. It said, ‘I know this is totally inappropriate but… BEEEEEP!’ What the hell?
Kerry: ::laughter::
me: Come on now…
Kerry: Well, I ran into your boyfriend last night…
me: Who did what?
Kerry: I ran into your boyfriend last night… I was with my friends and we went to Carson’s…
me: uh huh
Kerry: … we were standing out on the dance floor and I looked up on the screen and was thinking to myself ‘Why are they showing this old stock footage?’ and this girl bumped into me and was like, ‘OH My GOD! I love your accessories!’, then this guy grabbed the microphone and started to mc this bikini contest… and guess who it was?
me: Who?
Kerry: Randy the Master Blaster
me: No shit?
Kerry: No shit.
me: ::laughter::
Kerry: My friend had a friend in from Phoenix and we telling him what a meat market Carson’s was and that the men just walk up to you and you are all like, ‘Guy? Could you get your hand off of my ass?’ And the Phoenix guy didn’t believe us that is was that bad, then we walked in there and there was Randy and all his strippers and Phoenix guy was blown away…. Dude.
me: What?
Kerry: That guy is short.
me: Who Randy?
Kerry: Yeah.
me: Well, he’s normally on stage yanno.
Kerry: Well, yeah. His arms did look good. But man, that girl that remarked about my accessories was one of his strippers and she said to me, ‘I like your accessories so much, that if you were a guy, I’d be all over you.’
me: Ugh.
Kerry: Yeah… now.. don’t go writing about this on your site.
me: Oh hell yes I am.
Kerry: Crap.

And the reason that I am posting our conversation ladies and gents… is because she gave Randy the Master Blaster my telephone number when I was 19.

Love you Kerry!

PS… as soon as Carson’s posts the pictures of the bikini contest… you can bet your sweet ass I will post a link. Heh.

PPS… and ya’ll I’m not dead. I have not been kidnapped by militant pigeons or adopted by Anne … (I’m trying to wear her down ya’ll) I’m just working. Gah.


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And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

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