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What the Hell is this then, Distemper? Scurvy?

Issue Date: Tuesday, Nov. 02, 2004

I wrote this last Monday afternoon after I got back from my conference. I was gone for about 3 business days but because I never get online at home, I always feel out of touch until I get back to my office.

I take my blackberry™ with me but because of some weird blackberry™ gremlin I can’t get into my frillions of contacts, I always end up feeling completely cut off. Even if I am just in downtown Dallas.

That Burger King© commercial with the creepy ass King of the Burgers waking that guy up Freaks me right the Hell Out. Just about as much as that old 80’s Genesis video for “Land of Confusion” where they all had puppet heads and fat fingers. Eeeesh!… that thing gave me nightmares. I had just about gotten a hold of my irrational, “I don’t care if you’re trying to hand me a breakfast sandwich Fucker! Get out of MY BED!” fear when it was brought up on a pop cultural mainstay. Yes, VH-1’s Best Week Ever.

Now I have this whole other irrational “What if One of those Burger King© heads shows up at my door on Halloween? Or better yet, because he’s got a sick sense of humor, now that they sell those masks, what if Mister wakes me up with one of those on his head one morning and I die of fright?” fear.


I really would yanno. I would totally die.

Mister would have to post an obituary that would say something to the likes of…

And then I stopped writing because I was feeling icky and I went home that Monday night and then yanno what happened?

Yep. I got so sick I horked up my lower intestine. It wasn’t pretty and I actually can tell you what it is like (from experience) how it feels to get split pea soup stuck in your sinus cavity from throwing up so hard and with much repeated regularity… said Missus Obvious McNo-shit.

Monday night at 11:20 pm I started throwing up and at around 5:40 am Mister started throwing up.

We were your regularly scheduled party of “Holy Shit Do I Have Parvo?!… What the Hell is this then, Distemper? Scurvy?”

By 7:30 am I got up enough strength to call into the office to tell them that I wasn’t going to come in that day then I ran to the bathroom yet again for another fun filled round of how much liquid can pass through my system without me having ingested anything in over twelve hours.

It was a hoot.

That lasted for four days ya’ll.

I’m fuckin skinny.

Well, not really. I’m still a fat ass, but good Lord. Mister and I just started eating solid food again on Saturday. I had to use up all of my Personal Time Off and now I am five hours in the hole.

My best friend LuLu had her baby and I didn’t even know she was going to be induced because I was too sick to check my work voice mail. Her husband called my cell phone on Friday (ETA: Actually, it was really Thursday, and I was standing in the frozen food section of Tom Thumb like a little lost girl while my husband tried to get me to push the cart full of Gatorade and cup-o-soup mixes out of the nice peoples' way... it didn't work... I wasn't all that movable.) and told me that their baby girl is here. I am so excited, I can’t wait to meet her. Hi Amber!

Oh, and also, I missed Stacey’s and Hot Barney’s collective birthday’s because I suck. And one of the pumpkins. Happy Birthday Wendy!

But, I did vote.

More hilarity about my water poo later. Smoochies.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

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