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The red light demands respect ya’ll.

Issue Date: Wednesday, May. 18, 2005

Do ya’ll remember when the lovely and talented Amalah used to do this? Well, I am officially giving her props and a mad shout out for letting me borrow her “gah gah gah” idea.

And not a moment too soon I might add. Because… in no particular order….

Yesterday morning whilst strutting into work in my cute little business casual attire, all the while chatting happily on the phone to my sister, … (Choose one of the following):
A) A photographer captured my beauty in its complete essence on film and offered me insane buckets of money to pose for Paris Vogue… the Fat Edition. Shut up.
B) A bird swooped down, lit upon my finger and started singing “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaaaal…” like that frog on the cartoon.
C) I was walking along minding my own sweet ass business and stepped upon a rock… a wily rock, mind you that had it out for me and wanted to add my demise to its crazy plans to rule the world. When I stepped upon this wily, good-for-nothin rock, I fell off of my got-damn shoe and cursed up a purple streak, bruising the sweet and sensible eardrums of my sister with words that may have included WhoaHolyShitMotherFucker! And then caught myself on the trunk of a blue-green Buick Skylark, but not before twisting my pertly and feminine ankle like a breadstick.

If you chose C you are smart and also sexy. I knew I always liked you.


This morning I broke a mirror. A mirror that has been with me (in the family… if you will, and I know you will) since before I graduated from college. So. Let’s see here. I graduated in 1994. That mirror in all of its’ musty and streaked beauty has helped me put my face on roughly 4015 days since I purchased it at the Eckerd’s on North Street in Nacogdoches. Shit. And I broke it this morning.


After breaking the mirror this morning and putting my face on (imagery makes it seem as if I am a blank canvas every morning when I get out of the shower… heh… I like that) with a tiny shard of a reflective surface (because I am too retarded, or near sighted to just use freakin bathroom mirror already!) I left a bit late.

How late you ask?

Oh late enough to get pulled over by Collin County’s finest… for a traffic violation. What kind of traffic violation you ask kind reader? Well, let me see if I can make out dear Officer Elliott’s chicken scrat--- oh, here it is… “For being too damn Sexy!”

No. No. That is not what the kind motorcycle cop wrote on my citation # 1038623458719. Yes, Motorcycle cop… and it wasn’t Eric Estrada my lovlies.

The actual offense is “Disregard of a red light.”

Red light, I disregard you. You are of no consequence to me.

And the red light said, “I will make you my bitch. I will turn red quick while you think I am still yellow, you and your smarmy MYSTIQUE!... I will take away eight hours of your Saturday while you complete a Defensive Driving Class and I will hike up your insurance payments.”

The red light demands respect ya’ll.


Hi humidity, where have you been?


Member the tiny shard of mirror I used to do my face this morning? How could you not? See like two paragraphs ago. Yeah, anyway. I just went to put on some lip gloss and the eyebrows are like… totalitarian.


I will be away at a staff meeting all day tomorrow. And then doing a conference Monday and Tuesday. So I will not be able to play in the sandbox with you lovelies for a while. Play nice. And please, stop at the yellow lights. The red light will get you.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

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