Princess of Irony

The red light demands respect ya�ll.

Issue Date: Wednesday, May. 18, 2005

Do ya�ll remember when the lovely and talented Amalah used to do this? Well, I am officially giving her props and a mad shout out for letting me borrow her �gah gah gah� idea.

And not a moment too soon I might add. Because� in no particular order�.

Yesterday morning whilst strutting into work in my cute little business casual attire, all the while chatting happily on the phone to my sister, � (Choose one of the following):
A) A photographer captured my beauty in its complete essence on film and offered me insane buckets of money to pose for Paris Vogue� the Fat Edition. Shut up.
B) A bird swooped down, lit upon my finger and started singing �Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaaaal�� like that frog on the cartoon.
Or
C) I was walking along minding my own sweet ass business and stepped upon a rock� a wily rock, mind you that had it out for me and wanted to add my demise to its crazy plans to rule the world. When I stepped upon this wily, good-for-nothin rock, I fell off of my got-damn shoe and cursed up a purple streak, bruising the sweet and sensible eardrums of my sister with words that may have included WhoaHolyShitMotherFucker! And then caught myself on the trunk of a blue-green Buick Skylark, but not before twisting my pertly and feminine ankle like a breadstick.

If you chose C you are smart and also sexy. I knew I always liked you.

This morning I broke a mirror. A mirror that has been with me (in the family� if you will, and I know you will) since before I graduated from college. So. Let�s see here. I graduated in 1994. That mirror in all of its� musty and streaked beauty has helped me put my face on roughly 4015 days since I purchased it at the Eckerd�s on North Street in Nacogdoches. Shit. And I broke it this morning.

After breaking the mirror this morning and putting my face on (imagery makes it seem as if I am a blank canvas every morning when I get out of the shower� heh� I like that) with a tiny shard of a reflective surface (because I am too retarded, or near sighted to just use freakin bathroom mirror already!) I left a bit late.

How late you ask?

Oh late enough to get pulled over by Collin County�s finest� for a traffic violation. What kind of traffic violation you ask kind reader? Well, let me see if I can make out dear Officer Elliott�s chicken scrat--- oh, here it is� �For being too damn Sexy!�

No. No. That is not what the kind motorcycle cop wrote on my citation # 1038623458719. Yes, Motorcycle cop� and it wasn�t Eric Estrada my lovlies.

The actual offense is �Disregard of a red light.�

Red light, I disregard you. You are of no consequence to me.

And the red light said, �I will make you my bitch. I will turn red quick while you think I am still yellow, you and your smarmy MYSTIQUE!... I will take away eight hours of your Saturday while you complete a Defensive Driving Class and I will hike up your insurance payments.�

The red light demands respect ya�ll.

Hi humidity, where have you been?

Member the tiny shard of mirror I used to do my face this morning? How could you not? See like two paragraphs ago. Yeah, anyway. I just went to put on some lip gloss and the eyebrows are like� totalitarian.

I will be away at a staff meeting all day tomorrow. And then doing a conference Monday and Tuesday. So I will not be able to play in the sandbox with you lovelies for a while. Play nice. And please, stop at the yellow lights. The red light will get you.

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