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Happy Birthday Husband, In other words... sorry I suck.

Issue Date: Wednesday, Feb. 09, 2005

Yanno how you wake up in the morning of February the 8th and you have this stabbing eye pain headachy thing and you call in to work at 6:15 am and then when you get back to bed your husband says, “Awwww, baby, did you call into work to stay at home with me because it’s my birthday?”

Um… yes?

Shit… shit shit shit… I am the worst wife ever in the whole entire world.

I mean, I remembered it was his birthday, sorta (don’t stone me yet people)… after all he had already requested his birthday meal, that I needed to start preparing last April for it to be completed on time at 6:30 pm last night. But good Lawd. I felt like the biggest piece of milk crust.

Not to mention (of course I’m going to mention it… just saying “not to mention” doesn’t get you off the hook buddy boy) the fact that I had planned a girl’s night out with Stacey for last night. And I had even asked Mister, “Hey baby? Is next Tuesday night, the 8th an okay night to do girl’s night with Stacey? She and I really need some girl time.” And of course he said, “Sure love, that’s fine.” Because… have I mentioned? I SUCK.

I know, I know… he’s been sick, he hasn’t felt celebratory. He’s been feeling gloomy. He told me that he didn’t want to do anything for his birthday; he didn’t want me to get him anything.

That does not let me off the hook for planning happy hour on the day of his birthday.

I went shopping for the last remaining ingredients for SupperGate 2005 and while I was at the store I remembered to call Stacey to cancel. Why? Because, as I mentioned above. I suck.

While at said store, shopping for ingredients to make the homemade supper for my husband, which my husband asked for, for his birthday, on his birthday… I forgot to get him a card. Also, my cat pee’d on his hunting seat cushion and he got some bad news from his job. Do I know how to rock a birthday or what?

If you ever get the chance, do not ever marry me.

Good Things About Yesterday In Haiku Form

visit from loved ones
mcnuggets and ginger ale
Blazing Saddles, yo

Speaking of Blazing Saddles, Mister got the dvd as a gift for his birthday from some loved ones yesterday and he is so excited. We watched it last night after dinner (dun dun DUN!… SupperGate 2005…) and after the movie we were going through the extras on the dvd and there is a television pilot for a show called Black Bart, starring Lou Gossett Jr.. I thought it looked interesting, so I asked Mister to play it. He did and within minutes I was bleeding from the eyes.

I love Blazing Saddles… the writing, the snarkiness, the oneliners, the references to other projects, even the in your face use of racism and humor that went hand in hand. Richard Pryor was on the writing team along with Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder. Glorious. I guess that is why I was so shocked that some television asshole exec. could think that they would be able to take something that took so much love and work to make, shove a bunch of nigger references in it, slap it on the ass to force it into some television-mold-bastardized-version of the movie and make TeeVee History BayBee!

Have you guys seen this thing?

Poor Lou Gossett Jr. He looks so fucking embarrassed. He has to make, “I have a hard enough time keeping my horse white.” Jokes… It is obscenely offensive.

It’s a wonder they didn’t play “Jungle Love” over the poorly timed laugh track and have him dry hump the gimpy, hard of hearing, madam that had a green glittery patch over one eye. And yes I wish like hell I was kidding.

Let me repeat that.

They actually had a character whose job it was to work a poor German accent, bad powder makeup, reeeeallllly bad wig, gimpy leg, going deaf, sparkly patch-eyed, a poorly timed run-down take off on Lili Von Shtupp and play a lady that ran a whore house.

And she came on to Lou. Lou had to reply that he had enough troubles riding a white horse.

THIS WAS IN 1975!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

It was then that I started crying for Lou’s career and the fact that he still had to make Enemy Mine ten years later. Eeesh, just being those teeth for the 4 or 5 months alone to make that movie would put me out of the running. Poor Lou.

So, in conclusion. I suck… but not as bad as the test pilot for Black Bart.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

My Amazon Wish List.

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