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Hotness in Six Steps

Issue Date: Monday, Aug. 01, 2005

It has finally happened. I have been asked to publish a book and not just any book mind you, but a book on Hotness. As you all know, I have cornered the market on hotness, “Smooookin Hotness burning hotter than the surface of a thousand suns circling a supernova!” is how my soon to be editor put it.

But I don’t want to hide my light under a bushel (NO!) and make money off of the poor afflicted lukewarm souls of the middle class. I want to share my little light with the world, with the thriving metropolis of the Internets so that everyone may partake in a little bit of hotness happiness.

Let’s diagram the word hot. With giving special props to they list Hot as…
Pronunciation: 'hät
Function: adjective
Inflected Forms: hot•ter; hot•test
1 a : having a relatively high temperature b: capable of giving a sensation of heat or of burning, searing, or scalding c: having heat in a degree exceeding normal body heat
2 a : RADIOACTIVE; especially : exhibiting a relatively great amount of radioactivity when subjected to radionuclide scanning b : dealing with radioactive material
Um. None of this relates at all to my particular brand of hotness. So, I would like to start with my definition. Hot is as hot does. And my momma tells me I’m pretty.

Six ways to be hot.
(Start slow ya’ll, you don’t want to sprain something. Not everyone can be as hot as I am naturally. I just practice a little on the weekends to keep the hotness razor sharp.)

Number One:
Drive a hoopty. My hoopty is fine. Foooiine. She used to be maroon and with the help of the merciless Texas sun (also hot), her slight metallic paint has faded to a whore-y purple. Mmmmm. Hoopty-licious. I keep my bangin ride running smooth with the help of Exxon, Mobile and Chevron and sometimes Tom Thumb. These places usually have the cheapest high level gas. If I put low grade in she knocks and it sounds like I have a white boy in elementary school drum corp stuck in my engine. Not to mention the fan belt screaming that sometimes accompanies the drumming. Hotness.

Number Two.
Sweat. A LOT. This is very important. Especially to the ladies. Sweating keeps your pores clean and the toxins out of your system. When a bead of perspiration is making its’ way from your hairline to your eyeball, there is nothing hotter. Sure, it stings. But beauty is painful sometimes. You do not need to buy all of those glittery powders and lotions at CVS or Walgreens ya’ll. Just sweat. Live in Texas or somewhere that the mercury doesn’t dip below 95 from March to November and sweat it up. What? You have to wear a suit to work and you don’t have a/c in your hoopty? Bonus. Two for one baby. Back sweat and under boob sweat will set off your outfit like the perfect accoutrement.

Number Three
The HoFro. This tip ties in with number two. Because it is normally hot here in the lower continental 48 states we can usually do this one pretty easily, especially if you have naturally curly hair. And if you do, bless you, you may have this one already mastered. Point for you. Leave your house or the salon with perfectly coiffed hair and show up at your date, your office, your photo shoot or function with a HoFro (honky afro). People Love the HoFro. Remember Jan Brady when she wanted that perfect black afro in that episode of The Brady Bunch? The Half HoFro is an acquired taste that may win you some points if you can keep the top smooth but the underside a curled and gnarled mess and around your hairline frizzy. Perfection!

Number Four
Fall off of your shoes. We all love beautiful shoes, guys and girls alike. But this one may make you think twice… but trust me. To be hot, you may have to sacrifice a pair of shoes. The horror! I know. But listen to me. Just fall off one or two pair, scuff the sides of the heels and maybe even the top, ruin your pedicure, make your heels look rough… THERE. Belissima!

Number Five
Cry at Chili’s. When you are especially vulnerable, I don’t know if you have just started your cycle girls or guys if you just watched Celebrity Fit Club and you are very upset over the state of Jani Lane and his alcohol addiction. Or, if you have a sweet husband who cuts his corn off the cob for you to taste it and his little act of service touches your heart and you start bawling like a baby so hard that the little seventeen year old manager comes up and says, “Ma’am? Is your chicken okay?” And you reply, “It is f-hi-hiiinnneeee.” Because you are blubbering like an idiot. Yes, this is HOT.

Number Six
This is the Most Important. I can not stress this enough people. It may take weeks, months and even years to work up to this point but you MUST get here to reach a relatively safe level of hotness if you even want to think of pulling off wearing those Seven/Abercrombie Fitch/American Eagle jeans that you have your eye on, even though they do simply amazing things to your ass. You must do this. Ok, on a Monday… no wait, make it a Sunday, so you can rest afterwards… On a Sunday, after a perfectly lovely … pick one: (baby shower for the girls) (trip to Hooter’s for the game for the guys) you come home to talk to your loved one about your day. If you are so hard core that you don’t have a loved one, do this over the phone to a friend or even the operator. Hand gestures are still a MUST. While talking to said loved one, make a LARGE hand gesture really fast. SMACK yourself in the face with your OWN. DAMNED. HAND. And take a chunk out of your left eyebrow with your right thumbnail. Commend spouse for not cracking his shit up at your dorky ass behavior and announce that you are the hottest bitch in the world

Photographic evidence. (Click to make bigger, and to actually see the uh, evidence.)
So Graceful

Because with hotness, we can make the world a better place.


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To understand this dear reward (above) at all, you must hie thee on and read gatsby’s grape ape entry and my comments.

And because of said comments he sent me my very own dream turtle in an email titled wee gift with these words attached, “my purple monkey is booked solid so i ordered you a tangerine turtle. hope he proves helpful.”

The Graphic Below Courtesy of Papernapkin.

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